What If Your Partner's Anger or Withdrawal Is Not About You, But About Their Nervous System?
You may be familiar with these common conflict patterns: One partner raises their voice, and the other shuts down. One partner is eager to smooth things over at the first hint of conflict; the other partner retreats and goes quiet.
These moments usually feel personal, but the truth is that your partner's anger, withdrawal, or overwhelm is not about you. It's about their nervous system.
Understanding how attachment and emotional regulation function within couples can help put things in perspective. When we shift from thinking "Why are you doing this to me?" to "What is happening for you right now?" conflict stops being about personal flaws and instead becomes clearer as the patterns at play within nervous systems.
And that makes things feel a lot more workable.
Nervous System Responses in Conflict
We all learned how to survive long before we had our first romantic relationships. Our earliest memories of relational safety (or lack thereof) shape how we interpret and respond to conflict.
Most people have heard of the "fight or flight" response, which refers to the ways our nervous system organizes to respond to a perceived threat. There are actually four responses that our nervous systems organize around: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn.
These patterns are not personality traits but rather protective strategies developed from early life experiences.
Let's look briefly at what each of these patterns might look like in conflict in a relationship:
Fight
Raised voice
Criticism
Defensiveness
“You never…” or “You always…”
The energy of a fight response mobilizes: it activates to hide fear, helplessness, or shame.
Flight
Changing the subject
Working late
Excessive busyness
Avoiding difficult conversations
The energy of a flight response is avoidance: it activates to escape conflict and uncomfortable emotions.
Freeze
Shutting down mid-conversation
Blank stare
"I don't know."
Emotional numbness
The energy of a freeze response is a shutdown: the nervous system is overwhelmed, making it difficult for the individual to make decisions, take action, or engage in conversation.
Fawn
Over-apologizing
People-pleasing
Suppressing needs
Quickly smoothing conflict
The energy of a freeze response is appeasement: it activates to preserve connection at any cost.
When we don't understand these patterns or how and why they show up, it is easy to misinterpret the meanings of behaviors in our closest relationships. However, understanding that nervous system patterns grow out of adaptation can help us understand that when these patterns show up, it's not personal. Instead, it may be an invitation for healing and a deeper connection.
Old Wiring, Not Rejection
When conflict arises, and your partner pulls away, raises their voice, or responds in some other way that feels triggering to you, remember that their nervous system is responding to a perceived threat. Not necessarily you or your relationship.
Our nervous systems are not good at distinguishing between a current disagreement and past experiences of criticism, abandonment, or pain. Furthermore, our physiology changes when we become dysregulated (think tense muscles, a racing heart, shallow breathing, etc.). With our nervous systems and bodies sending us signals of danger, it is easy to see how conflicts can quickly get out of hand. Without emotional regulation, partners attempt to solve relational problems while both are in survival mode. It's like trying to repair a bridge during an earthquake.
Going Deeper, Getting Curious
In conversation and especially when tensions are running high, we likely focus on content. We take our partners' words or actions at face value rather than trying to understand their origins. As we work to establish more healing ways of navigating conflict, curiosity and compassion will be important tools.
In the heat of the moment, pausing to notice a detail of what's happening for your partner can open a door to connection and co-regulation.
That might look like trading "Why are you overreacting?" for
"I notice your shoulders tightened and your voice changed. Are you feeling overwhelmed?"
"You're not even paying attention!" could become "It looks like this feels intense right now. Do you need a pause?"
This kind of communication slows the interaction and allows the nervous system to settle.
Bringing in Co-regulation
Humans are wired for connection. Even in the heat of an argument, our nervous system responds differently depending on physical cues we receive from those around us. Some key tools for coregulating are:
Softening your tone
Slowing your breath intentionally
Naming what you observe without judgment
Taking structured breaks (with a clear return time)
Gentle physical contact (if welcomed)
When one partner regulates, it invites the other's nervous system to follow. Learning to coregulate and stay connected, even during conflict, can create a sense of safety that helps challenge old nervous system patterns. By practicing co-regulation, partners begin to feel safer together during conflict and find healthier, more connected ways to resolve issues.
Regulation Reset Plan
Here's a practical exercise to help couples begin building emotional regulation.
Each partner writes down the following:
Three signs that tell you when you are reaching overwhelm
Examples:
My chest feels tight
I start interrupting
I mentally check out
I feel heat in my face
I want to leave the room
One practice that helps you return to calm
Examples:
10 slow exhales
Stepping outside for five minutes
Placing a hand on my chest
Sitting back-to-back in silence
Making eye contact and breathing together
Share your list.
Keep these somewhere visible and regularly discuss them. The goal is not to get rid of dyregulation, but instead to recognize it sooner and respond with care and connection. Coregulating can profoundly impact how you navigate conflict as a couple and transform your relationship.
My Understanding Triggers meditation can be a supportive supplement to this practice.
Take the next step:
If you're ready to look more closely at the patterns at play in your relationship, I offer four-hour intensives focused on co-regulation tools that create deeper connection, safety, and intimacy.
Book a four-hour intensive to learn co-regulation tools that create deeper connection.
