What to Do When Parts of You Pull Away During Conflict
For many of us, the word "conflict" illicites some activation in our system. At first, we may assume this activation has to do with what will be said or done during a conflict- the exchange between us and the person we are in conflict with. However, the internal experience that comes with conflict is significant and can often shed some light on behaviors or patterns that work against us in relationships.
If you've ever found yourself withdrawing, lashing out, overexplaining, or shutting down during an argument, you're not alone. These kinds of behaviors are different "parts" of yourself stepping in to help protect you the best they know how. Such subconscious strategies may have worked somewhere in the past, but without a clear idea of what is happening and why, they can lead to bigger problems.
Let's talk about what's happening beneath the surface—and how to begin responding from a more grounded, centered place.
Understanding Inner Parts and Protectors
We all carry within us different "parts" that show up in various situations, especially during moments of emotional intensity. In the world of parts work (most famously, Internal Family Systems), these are often identified as protectors—inner roles that step in to guard against vulnerability, pain, or perceived danger.
These parts evolved from earlier life experiences. Perhaps you learned to stay quiet in childhood to keep the peace. Or maybe you became excellent at "fixing", always smoothing things over to avoid abandonment. Another part might get loud and angry to push people away before they can hurt you.
These parts each have their strengths and purposes, but they are not the whole story. Although they are intelligent and protective, they often reflect old circumstances and not your current reality.
Retreating, Attacking, and Over-Functioning: What Do These Strategies Do?
In conflict, protector parts tend to show up in recognizable patterns:
Retreating (Flight or Freeze): You emotionally shut down, withdraw, dissociate, or go silent. This part is trying to keep you safe by reducing exposure to potential harm.
Attacking (Fight): This could look like defensiveness, criticism, sarcasm, or turning the tables. This protector believes offense is the best defense.
Over-Functioning (Fawn): This shows up as people-pleasing, over-explaining, caretaking, or trying to fix things at the expense of your own needs. This part often learned that staying connected meant staying small or agreeable.
Each of these responses works to avoid deep vulnerability. While they do offer a type of protection, they can also block emotional intimacy and meaningful repair. Over time, this can cause our relationships to suffer.
Nervous System Responses and Early Wounds
So where do these protectors come from?
Often, they're shaped by our nervous system's response to early attachment wounds—times we felt unsafe, unseen, or rejected. As social animals, these experiences register as serious threats to our safety. As such, our bodies learn ways to survive emotionally vulnerable moments (fight, flee, freeze, or fawn).
When conflict arises, your nervous system might interpret the tension as a threat—even if the situation is safe. You move outside your window of tolerance (the range where you can feel and process emotion without becoming overwhelmed), and your protective parts take the wheel.
The result? You respond from old survival strategies, not from your adult, resourced self.
To widen your window of tolerance, practices like breathwork, somatic grounding, and mindfulness alongside talk therapy can help. Here's a simple 5-minute check-in meditation to help you pause and reconnect with yourself when emotions run high.
Healing Starts with Awareness
You don't need to get rid of your protectors, but you do need to understand them. Learning to recognize when they've stepped in and learning how to tell them "thanks, but I've got this" can help you stay grounded and resourced during potentially triggering moments.
Tool/Takeaway: "Meet Your Inner Roles" Journal Prompt + Somatic Practice
Next time you feel activated in conflict, try this:
Get out your journal and answer the following questions:
"What part of me takes over in conflict?"
"What's it afraid will happen if I don't let it lead?"
This kind of reflection helps you build a relationship with your internal system—bringing curiosity instead of judgment to parts that have long been misunderstood or ignored.
Somatic step:
After journaling or pausing, try softening your shoulders, placing a hand on your chest or belly, and taking a slow, exhaling breath.
Invite a protector part to step forward or imagine a situation they may feel called to respond to. When you feel their presence, take a deep breath and say:
"I see you. Thank you for trying to protect me. I'm here now."
Over time, this builds internal safety—allowing more of your wise, grounded self to lead even in the heat of conflict.
Final Thoughts
When parts of you pull away during conflict, it doesn't mean you're bad at relationships or that you can't develop a more skillful way of engaging. It means you're human—and that you carry a system of intelligent protectors shaped by your story.
Learning about these protectors can be a valuable step on your healing journey, helping you feel resourced and grounded even when triggering situations arise. It takes work to build this awareness and shift patterns, but you don't have to do it alone!
If you would like to explore how parts work, somatic therapy, or Brainspotting can help you move through conflict in a more connected way, I invite you to book a session or inquire about my couples intensives. Let's meet the parts of you that are working hard—and give them the support they truly deserve.
