Relationship Anxiety or Something Deeper? Understanding Your Emotional Triggers

We have all had those moments in relationships when anxiety takes the wheel. It could be the moment when we're waiting a little too long for a reply to a text, or when we hear annoyance or judgment in a casual comment from our partner. Our bodies tense, our minds race. It's challenging to regain clarity and accurately assess what's going on when worry and insecurity flood us.

For many people—especially those with anxious or neurodivergent nervous systems—moments like these can spark waves of relationship anxiety that feel overwhelming, confusing, or even shameful. These patterns can create tensions and conflict in relationships. And yet, this anxiety isn't a flaw or failure. It's a signal, pointing to something deeper that needs care.

Let's explore how to understand these emotional triggers through the lenses of attachment, somatics, and nervous system regulation—and how you can begin shifting the pattern.

Real Fears or Protective Parts?

One of the first steps in working with relationship anxiety is learning to differentiate between real relational data and what I call protective parts.

• A real fear might stem from an actual pattern in the relationship that feels unsafe or inconsistent—something that needs to be addressed openly. For example, maybe your partner frequently dismisses your emotions or avoids difficult conversations. Or perhaps they've broken agreements or shown unpredictable behavior that leaves you feeling unsteady. These situations warrant honest exploration, open dialogue, and clear boundaries.

• A protective part, on the other hand, is a part of your psyche that learned (often early on) to anticipate rejection, criticism, or abandonment as a way to stay safe. For instance, if a partner needs some space or time to respond, your inner alarm system might interpret it as "They're losing interest" or "I did something wrong." Or if your partner is quiet, a protective part may leap to "They're angry with me" even when that isn't true.

These protective parts aren't irrational—actually, they are pretty intelligent. They've helped you navigate past environments where emotional attunement or safety may have been inconsistent or absent.

But they may no longer reflect the reality of your current relationship. When we confuse protective parts with truth, we end up reacting from old patterns—defending, shutting down, or spiraling—rather than responding from the present moment with curiosity and connection. These old patterns can recreate dysfunction in an otherwise healthy relationship and cause serious issues over time.

Why Anxiety Feels So Big in Relationships

Relational anxiety isn't "just in your head"—it's also in your body. As humans, we've evolved to feel safest when we are connected and secure in relationships with others. Just think about how much a baby relies on the care of others to survive. When we sense disconnection, our nervous system recognizes this as a possible threat and can sometimes react as if there is real danger. While this is true from time to time for many of us, this can be more common or frequent for people with:

• Anxious attachment (where proximity = safety)

• Disorganized attachment (where love and fear become intertwined)

• Neurodivergent wiring, such as ADHD or autism, where emotional regulation and processing nuance in tone or social cues can be extra challenging.

Secure attachment is when an individual learns through reliable relationships that they are safe, accepted, and cared for. Secure attachment wires the nervous system to trust itself and others; however, when this doesn't happen consistently in childhood, the nervous system wires itself for protection rather than connection. These patterns are often activated in close relationships in adulthood, even when the relationships involve individuals who are safe.

Tools That Help:

One of the tools I use with clients to help process stuck beliefs and emotional pain is brainspotting, a brain-body therapy based on the idea that "where you look affects how you feel."

During brainspotting, we use specific eye positions to access and process implicit memory, which refers to the unconscious material stored in the body and subcortical brain that often fuels our triggers. This treatment is helpful when a person knows why they feel anxious but still can't stop reacting in the moment.

Brainspotting, paired with breathwork, which grounds the nervous system in the present moment, helps restore a sense of safety to the body. When your system learns it no longer needs to brace against abandonment or rejection, you begin to soften into connection again. Over time, these incredible tools can offer significant healing and provide individuals with an opportunity to shift away from unhealthy patterns.

A Somatic Attachment Lens:

Attachment isn't just a theory—it's a felt sense in the body. Check out this blog post if you'd like to learn more about attachment theory and styles.

One crucial thing about attachment styles is that they are not fixed labels—they're adaptations. Your attachment style reflects what your nervous system learned to do to stay safe. And the good news is: it can change. Through awareness, intentional practice, and supportive relationships, we can move toward greater security, both within ourselves and with others. When anxious patterns create problems in our relationships, diving into our attachment patterns and healing old wounds can be highly beneficial. As a starting point, check out the "Healing Childhood Wounds" meditation on Insight Timer. It's a gentle invitation to meet the younger parts of yourself with compassion and understanding.

Next time, try this:

The next time anxiety strikes and you find yourself getting swept up in stories and worries, try this simple 3-step practice to bring you back to center:

1. Name the part

Gently notice the part of you that's spiraling.

Say to yourself: "This is the ___ (anxious, young, afraid, etc.) part of me. This is not all of me. I can accept this part."

2. Locate it in your body

Place a hand on the area that feels tight, heavy, or activated.

This might be your chest, stomach, jaw, throat, or somewhere else on your body.

3. Breathe: 4-7-8

Inhale for 4 seconds

Hold for 7 seconds

Exhale slowly for 8 seconds

As you breathe, repeat:

"This is a part of me, not all of me. I am safe in this moment."

This technique helps calm the nervous system while honoring the protective part without letting it take over.

Cultivating Somatic Safety

Healing relationship anxiety won't happen because your partner uses certain words. Instead, it occurs when you learn to cultivate a felt sense of safety and connection within your body. Below are three critical steps you can take to build this:

• Recognize the trigger without shame- Developing a compassionate inner voice is very valuable when you recognize old patterns.

• Ground yourself with breath or movement - Find a physical grounding technique that works for you, whether deep breathing or going for a walk.

• Speak from your core, not your protector. Give space for your feelings before responding when triggered. This can prevent you from reenacting old patterns.

• Co-regulate with a partner who is open to growth and repair.

This work isn't always easy, but it is profoundly healing. Each time you stay present with your emotional experience without collapsing into it or abandoning yourself, you create new pathways for healing and healthy connection.

Final Thoughts: Your Triggers Are Invitations

Relationship anxiety is common, and it is by no means a permanent state of being. Instead, it's an invitation to explore the parts of you that still need care, recognition, and integration.

Whether your triggers come from past relationships, childhood attachment wounds, or the beautiful complexity of your neurodivergent wiring, you deserve support that honors the whole of you—mind, body, and heart.

Tools like brainspotting, breathwork, and somatic therapy can help shift old emotional patterns not just intellectually, but at the level of the nervous system. And that's where lasting change begins.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If you're feeling stuck in anxious loops—especially in relationships where you want to feel safe but can't seem to settle—I invite you to explore a Brainspotting session or a Couples Intensive focused on unwinding anxious patterns and building secure, embodied connection.

You don't have to keep living in survival mode, and I would be honored to support you on your healing journey.